Ranking Every 2021 Movie I’ve Seen

I’ve done this for however long since I’ve had a written platform. The last year or so I did it on Whatever but I’ve always ranked every new movie I’ve seen. And I’ll begin with the same caveat: I don’t go to the theaters very often to see movies. I know, 2020 and most of 2021 NOBODY or hardly anyone went to the theaters, but even then when it was normal, I didn’t go very often. So there’s not a whole lot to choose from. Now I know that a bunch of stuff was released to streaming, mainly HBO Max per their deal with Warner Brothers, but I still only watched stuff that interested me. And I had ZERO interest in Dune or the new Matrix movie. So shoot me.

Anyway, let’s get to the list!

16. Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin

Dear sweet Jesus, this movie fucking sucked. It sucked HAAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDDDDD! This is THE WORST movie I’ve seen in 2021. Not only was the movie kinda dull and boring, but it had NOTHING to do with the Paranormal Activity series. I mean not even a little bit. Not even a mention of Katie or the ghost Toby or anything. This literally was a poor cash grab at the Paranormal Activity name. You can listen to Lisa and I talk about it here.

15. Coming 2 America

I forgot this even came out in 2021 but it came out in March and it was only on Prime and holy fuck I already forgot what happened in this movie. I think Eddie Murphy hooked up with Leslie Jones and they had a son. And Wesley Snipes was there? And that’s about all I can be bothered to think of. The first film is a classic but this is a horrible, horrible follow up. Maybe they SHOULDN’T make sequels 20-some-odd years later? Hey, did that Top Gun sequel ever come out?

14. Eternals

Those last two were probably the worst movies I’ve seen all year so things are really going to go up from there. And this is as low as it is on the list because the hype around this film made it a major disappointment. You can listen to Nick Jobe and I talk about it here but for the most part, it was just OK.

13. Billie Eilish: The World’s A Little Blurry

I didn’t hate this but I didn’t love it either. It was a documentary that followed Billie Eilish as she was on her rise to fame. We see her release her debut album, make some of her first music videos, go out on her first tour, do some award shows, end up selling a bajillion albums worldwide, and meeting her idol Justin Bieber, which only reminded me she was a teenager when all of that happened. I didn’t get my first job until I was 18 and I still don’t own a car so I felt kinda worthless when this was over. Oh speaking of, this was just a bit over 2 hours and seriously, movies can stop being so god damn long now. What the fuck?

12. Bo Burnham: Inside

(There’s going to be some discussion whether or not this is a “movie” or a TV Special. I’m counting it as a movie. Come at me bro.)

I feel bad for putting Inside in this slot, but when you see what I have left, it’ll make sense. This special was amazing and it put 2020 into an interesting perspective. What it must’ve been like for a single guy with no family to just stay inside your house during lockdown. And to have mental illness on top of that. I have some mental stuff myself and I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like if I had to stay home, alone, by myself for months. Not to get too heavy but I probably wouldn’t still be here. But hey, at least podcasting saved my life? *shrug emjoi*

11. Black Widow

This was the first movie I seen in a theater since December 31st, 2019. And I think I was just happy to be in a theater so I inflated my rating on this. Looking back now, I don’t think it deserved FIVE stars but I’d give it maybe 4. Really, Yelena (Florence PUGH!!) stole this movie from Scarlett Johansson, which is a same because she needed her own movie from the get-go. But I enjoyed the David Harbour stuff and the joke about “missing Ohio” and all that good stuff. Nick and I also talked about this movie, albeit briefly.

10. The Manor

Holy shit, a 2021 movie that’s an hour and a half! WOW!! When Lisa and I agreed to pick just one Welcome to the Blumhouse feature each, I had a feeling she’d pick this one. I watched the trailer and it had great atmosphere and it didn’t ruin what was going on. I thought it was going to be a haunted house movie. It ended up NOT being that. You can listen to Lisa and I (and her cat) discuss this movie as well.

9. Venom: Let There Be Carnage

Oh wow, this movie was only an hour and a half too. But it could’ve been longer. I feel like some stuff got cut out. But otherwise it was a fun movie. Woody Harrelson was having fun and apparently everyone was wearing bad wigs? Guess what? You can listen to Nick and I talking about this! I feel like most of my 2021 films were watched only for podcasts.

8. Shang-Chi And The Legend of the Ten Rings

Yep! Nick and I covered this one too (FIRST EPISODE TOO!). I could easily flip this and Venom honestly, cause both movies have a lot of fun elements, but really that action scene on the bus was top notch. So this might have the advantage.

7. Bingo Hell

Lisa and I covered this as well and this was MY Welcome to the Blumhouse pick and god damn was I right. This movie is a lot of fun, pretty stupid, and fucking hilarious at times. And again, only an hour and a half! This needs to be a regular thing!

6. Malignant

One of two movies on this list that divided everybody. People either REALLY loved this or people REALLY hated it. Guess what? I loved it! I had no idea where it was going to go until about midway through the movie, it was a decent mystery, it was humorous in a lot of spots, and the last 10 minutes is the most bat shit insane thing I’ve seen put to film in a long ass time. I don’t know why the people who hated this hated it, but fuck ’em! This was a blast!

5. The Suicide Squad

What is this, some kind of reboot to The Suicide Squad? When it was announced that James Gunn, the guy who bought us Guardians of the Galaxy, was going to write and direct this, and then the cast was announced, I was in! I couldn’t wait! And you know what? It was fucking awesome!! Being my number 5 movie of 2021 is nothing to sneeze at! I can’t wait to see it again! I can’t wait for the Peacemaker spinoff show to come out! I hope more stuff from this universe is released!

4. Halloween Kills

The other movie that divided the internet. People who didn’t like this movie just hates fun and want to watch fancy French art films that are like 20 hours long and featuring nothing but people smoking cigarettes while crying into a bucket. This reminded me of an old school ’80s slasher and that’s what it needed to be. This movie does not take itself seriously in the least bit and it shows. I for one cannot wait for Halloween Ends. Oh, yeah you bet your ass Lisa and I covered this!

3. Nobody

We are in a weird time now, the post-John Wick era, where we just see people having stylized fights. But lets cast somebody you wouldn’t expect to have stylized fights! Saul Goodman? Why the fuck not? It’s 2021, anything’s possible, baby!! And holy fuck does Bob Odenkirk fucking deliver in this movie. I truly believed he always could kick ass and kill people without thinking twice about it. The surprise of the year? Possibly.

2. Ghostbusters: Afterlife

Look, I get it. The movie is VERY similar to the first one. They even have the same villain. And it had it’s moments of “hey remember that? Hey, remember that? Hey, get that reference?” But god damn it, it was fun, it was heartwarming, and I’m not afraid to admit that I cried a bit at the end. This would’ve been my number 1 movie of 2021 if the next movie hadn’t come out. And I’m sure you all know what it is (cause you glanced down probably…

  1. Spider-Man: No Way Home

Nick and I said all that we need to say.

And there you have it. All the 2021 movie I’ve seen. I tried to get to some others but time got away from me. I’ll probably revisit them later on and maybe report back. But yeah. Tell me what were your favorite 2021 movies? Was it Spider-Man? Or was it that 20 hour French film with the smoking guy crying into a bucket? It probably was the French thing. You fucking hipster.

-Jason

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