Hello good people! You might be looking at the title and saying to yourself “Gosh, that sounds familiar!” Well, thanks for remembering my sad attempts to make YouTube videos! Sometime in the madness that was 2020, I tried to reboot a video series I had called “Jason’s Awesome DVD Shelf” where I showed off and talked about a movie that I owned. The original series, back from 2012, only lasted 5 episodes. Last years reboot only lasted 2 episodes and were going to be Top 10 lists. I immediately got bored with that format.
This moves us to today. I had a day off and nothing to do. So I tackled a project I often go to when I have some free time: organizing my DVD’s. Anytime I buy a new movie, instead of messing with the shelf and putting it where it belongs alphabetically (which is how I have my DVD’s organized) I just put it somewhere on the shelf until a day like today comes around.
While moving things around and adding things in the right spot, I couldn’t help but notice the large number of movies THAT I OWN that I have never even seen! Now, sometimes I do this because it gives me a great chance to see them finally. Other times, they’re gifted to me. And most usually, I buy those 20 pack DVD’s for a dollar that’s full of old obscure movies from the 1920’s that’s now public domain and they sound interesting to me or they have one movie I want and the other 19 are just coming along for the ride.
Well, god fucking damn it all the fucking hell! (It’s been a minute since I cursed, I have to maintain an image you know.) I wanna do something about that! But I don’t want to just pick on the movies that I haven’t seen! I should spend more time with my DVD collection. Revisit some classics that I probably haven’t seen in awhile. Who knows, I may fall in love all over again. Or something. I dunno where I was going with that.
THE POINT BEING! I’m going to try to watch all of my movies and you’re all gonna bear witness. Bare witness? Neither make sense to me. A bear isn’t going to watch these with me nor are you going to be naked while watching me do this. I don’t know what I’m saying. Anyway, how am I gonna do this?
RANDOMLY OF COURSE!
Actually, before I tell you that, let’s do some numbers. First off, the number of MOVIES I own (I went with movies over DVD’s cause again of those 20 packs I mentioned earlier. It would make sense to count the MOVIES) is….drum roll please!
I have ALMOST 800 fucking movies in my house right now. AND THAT’S JUST DVD’s/BLU-RAYS! I haven’t even touched my VHS tapes yet. (We’ll get to that a different day.) That’s fucking mind blowing. And while going through them, I took some out that I no longer want and I’m going to sell them to a hooker on the corner in exchange for a hand job. At least that’s what I HOPE happens. Fingers crossed!
And out of that 748, the number of movies that I haven’t seen is…another drum roll…
So when I do the math….you take 748 and, uh…divide it by 213? You get 3.511737089201878 which I don’t know what that means. But I do know if you SUBTRACT 213 from 748 you get 535, which means I’ve seen at least 535 movies in my lifetime! HOW EXCITING!
Anyway, now that you have the numbers, back to what I’m gonna do, how this blog is going to work, and why you should care.
I found this website called Number Picker Wheel where I can make a wheel with any number of numbers I want. Then I spin it and it’ll spin and then spit out a number. Let’s say I do that now.
And it comes up 719. I then go to my master list of movies I own (yes I wrote these down, what do you think I am, a MONSTER?!) and look at what the 719th movie on that list is. Oh hey! It’s-
Omoo-Ommo The Shark God. It’s part of one of those 20 pack of movies I mentioned called 20 CULT CLASSICS! Which really should be 20 MOVIES THAT ARE PUBLIC DOMAIN SO HERE YOU FUCKING LOSER! Next I’ll watch said movie. Then I’ll come here and write about said experience and hey, it’s a movie I HAVEN’T seen so that’ll be one less movie on that list. And so on and so forth. Some of these might be HUGE blockbuster movies, some Oscar worthy films, some might be pure crap like Omoo-Omoo The Shark God. You’ll never know and for fucks sake I’LL never know.
I could’ve made this a podcast but I got enough of those going on right now.
I could’ve made this a YouTube video but I don’t feel like messing with video editing right now.
And I haven’t written reviews in a long time. I think I’m overdue, friends. So I hope you join me on this awesome journey into madness as I wrestle my DVD collection, one movie at a time. And I’ll probably lose my fucking mind in the process. It’s a win/win for you!
PS: If you’re curious what I own here’s the list as a Google Doc. It’s an informal list so there’s misspellings and whatnot. And don’t judge me on some of these. When they come up I’ll explain.